Close Yet Far
by tree1
Summary: I didn’t mean to hurt you, I swear it. I’ve wished so hard that night never happened, and I wish it even more watching you. You were too fragile and I broke you. Sirius tries to say sorry to Remus.


Disclaimer:Don't own anything  
  
A/N: Just something I wrote at the weekend, thought i'd put it up on here. Just so you know, it's after Sirius told Snape to go down the passage at the Whomping Willow and he saw Remus as a werewolf. What he actually did will be in a story I'm currently writing.  
  
Close Yet Far  
  
I see you there, just sitting, staring at the wall. You are turned from me, watching the wall, hoping it will give you the answers you want, the answers you know deep down inside. The candlelight makes dancing patterns in its shadow, illuminating your face then hiding it in darkness. Even in the dark I see your tears. They stain your face with silver, with hurt, betrayal.   
  
A book lies open beside you, your favourite. I never understood why you loved it so much, but love it you did. You read some of it to me once, how did it go? I try to remember, really I try but the words you read I can no longer hear. I'm not sure if I even listened when you read, your voice is enough. Just to hear your voice. I'll never hear it now, will I?  
  
The candle flickers slightly and I turn my gaze to it. Fire, I still remember the fire I saw in your eyes that night. Anger, Hurt, Betrayal, it burns my memory but I still can't say sorry. I want to. God help me how much I want to hold you in my arms again, even just once more, but I can't say sorry, not yet.   
  
I didn't mean to hurt you, I swear it. I've wished so hard that night never happened, and I wish it even more watching you. You were too fragile and I broke you. I did the one thing I swore I would never do. I betrayed you, broke you, and walked away. I still hear the words you said, they sting my heart, linger in my mind, and it's any wonder why I haven't gone mad.   
  
Mad. You would laugh at that, me driven mad by something you said. You said I could never go mad, not over you. You were wrong, I am mad. I was mad to do what I did, I was mad to walk out on you like that, to even think about it. But most of all, most of all I was mad about you. I loved you, I still do, bloody hell I'd be mad if I didn't.   
  
You move to the window and stare at the stars. I can see the moon just above your head. It's only three days from full, it's already been almost a month. Funny how time passes so fast when you're miserable. I wonder if you feel that. Almost a month, I can't believe it.   
  
I shift my position as you turn from the window. Would you hurt me if you knew I was here? Would you whisper to me in that voice again? The one so thick with emotion that it hurts like a knife in my throat whenever I hear it. You only used it once, but it feels like you always use it. The number of times its played inside my head, in my aching heart, like a broken record. The same sad song played over and over again. It never stops.  
  
A soft hand on your shoulder turns you around. I move back so you wont see me. They pull you into a hug and you begin to cry again. I can see your tears in the candlelight, sliding down your cheek and finally laying to rest on a comforting shoulder. A shoulder that isn't mine, not anymore. It should be mine, it should be me, I want to shout. But I can't, you would know I'm here, you would cry again and it wouldn't be me who held you while you cried into a shoulder. Not this time.   
  
Is saying sorry enough? Can I even say it yet? Sorry, is it the right word? Does it mean anything? Everyone says sorry, but I can't bring myself to form the words, I don't want to form them. To say sorry would mean nothing, not after what I did, not after what it's put you through. My god, I am so sorry but I can't say it. Would saying sorry mend what I've done? Will it heal the wounds that cannot heal?  
  
When your shoulder leaves you turn and sit back down, your eyes boring holes into the wall. Will sorry help at all? I stare at the back of your head, searching for an answer but all I find are memories. I can still feel the softness of your hair in my fingers, its beautiful smell lingers still in my nose. It looks gold in the candlelight, gold like the sun.   
  
I move towards you like a moth is drawn to the flame, quietly so you wont notice. The light flickers again but you don't even look up, don't even move your eyes from the wall.   
  
The floor creaks beneath my feet and you jump, tearing your teary gaze from the wall to me. I'm the last person you want to see, I can see it in your eyes. It's the first time you've looked at me, really looked at me, for weeks. I try to hold your stare but the fire burning there burns me, my mouth opens but I can't speak, can't say anything. I drop my eyes to the floor.  
  
I'm sorry.  
  
My mouth moves but no sound comes out. I shut my eyes feeling tears that should have come before form in them. I can't cry, not in front of you, not after what I did. It would be wrong, I don't deserve to cry. Bringing my eyes back to yours, a tear slides down my cheek but I don't wipe it away. To do so would only bring more. Your fire still burns me, it burns so strongly not even the tears in your eyes could put it out.   
  
You look away, turn your gaze to the door. You want me to leave, I will, in a while. I want to stay, I want to hold you close, stop your tears but I can't. I wish I hadn't broken you, if I could do anything I would mend you. I am so sorry, please don't leave me.   
  
Another tear falls as you walk out the door, doing the same to me as I did to you. I know what it feels like now, I'm sorry. As the door closes quietly behind you I sink slowly to the ground and curl up for protection, my head on my knees. I'm so, so sorry. A tear drops and another and another before I can stop them. I don't deserve to be able to cry, I should just die inside and then out. Anything would be better than this. Shaking silently with tears, I lay on my side as my tears turn to sobs that echo around the walls. The floodgates break and all I hear as I drown in my own sobs is the sound of my own sorrow.   
  
The End  
  
A/N: Like it? Well theres a little button just down there, click on it and review! Please!! 


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